Insert Poncey Sounding Elvish Here
by Anikathepen
Summary: We're the anticliché and Mary Sue elimination society' said the darkhaired woman on the left. 'And you're under arrest'  Could this be the end for our auburnhaired, secretly royal, half elf heroine with a tragic past? Let's hope so.


**Title:** "Insert Poncey-Sounding Fake Elvish Here"

**Author:** Anikathepen

**Rating:** PG

**Summary:** Inspired by and dedicated to the makers of the LOTR Mary Sue Litmus test, an attempt to fulfil as many clichés as possible.

**Disclaimer:** LOTR is not mine, and the Mary Sue LOTR Litmus exam can be found at LOTR Scrapbook (won't let me post the link)

It seemed months since beautiful, 15 year old Willowe Ravenne Aurelia Arwennia Bob Foxblade the Third had fallen through the mysterious portal in the linen cupboard of the family house she shared with her three, sequel fodder, rebellious younger sisters whom she had cared for since their parents had died in a freak, tragic accident on a pirate ship involving Lord Voldemort, but in fact it had only been a few chapters (it just felt like months to the poor people reading)

With a swish of her shimmering waterfall of auburn locks, Willowe let out a melodic sigh as she gazed pensively out across the river, away from the rest of the fellowship (who, despite all being completely besotted with her, had failed to notice her absence) she turned her the volume on her lime green iPod Nano, turned up the volume on a suitably cool (yet edgey, deep and rebellious) 21st century pop song and began to sing in a beautiful voice.

Awoken from a dream about his beautiful companion, Legolas stared out at her from beyond a tree, admiring her with all his concentration and conveniently ignoring the fact he was suppose to keep watch.

Willowe sensed she was being watched and turned slightly, an auburn curl falling poetically of her shoulder. Instinctively she knew what the handsome elf wanted.

"I'd love to take you up on that moonlit, romantic stroll, Legolas, but I cannot" sighed Willowe Foxblade, tossing her shimmering ankle length auburn hair out of her deep, violet eyes, "But, sadly, I must go and change outfits for the fifth time today despite only having bought a trendy 21st century rucksack on our travels, otherwise the author won't be able to describe my clothes for five pages and will actually have to insert some plot, and that would be even more terrible than if Sauron were to take the second one ring of which I am pure, sweet guardian"

Legolas turned away with fire and love burning in his deep, blue eyes as silent tears rolled down his pale, alabaster, porcelain (A/N: check me out, I can use a thesaurus) cheek. "I understand, beautiful Willow" he sighed in an overly emotional and dramatic manner. Oh how, HOW could he ever have suspected that a perfect creature like her could look at him -yet he had been certain he had felt the burning flames of love between them.

Willowe sighed sadly, a feeling of foreboding building in the pit of her perfectly toned stomach. Something was afoot, of that she was sure.

"Leggy!" she cried, her voice melodious and soothing despite the imminent danger, "run!" Unsheathing a small, beautiful dagger with which she was more skilled than Aragorn, Boromir and the Ring Wraiths put together, she twirled elegantly in the air, landing in a fighting pose that accentuated her natural beauty.

"No, I won't leave you!" Leggy dried his tears and ran to protect his perfect, beautiful and stunningly modest despite her auburn ankle length hair which was so unforgettably beautiful it was mentioned on every other page, lover-to-be. "We will stand and fight to the end!"

To their shock and surprise, (through which Willowe still managed to maintain a look of great elegance and beauty) it was not Ring Wraiths who appeared, but three disgruntled looking women, all brandishing copies of Lord of the Rings and what looked like large cans of disinfectant.

"Sauron!" spat Legolas, giving Willowe Foxblade the opportunity to flick her ankle length auburn hair over her inappropriately elaborate Elvin dress which she had kept clean despite climbing mountains in and display her superior intelligence by correcting him.

"No... it's worse, far worse... authors!"

"That's right!" snapped the one of the left, "We're here on behalf of the dark lord Sauron"

"Yup" Grinned her taller companion, "he says you can keep your bloody ring, so long as SHE" she jerked her head towards Willowe, "stops trying to win him over to the side of light and good with kind, loving words, honesty and beauty."

"And stops swishing her bloody hair" added the first one.

The third author, who was tall and blonde, added "or at least stop insisting the author describe it every time you do it."

"Who ARE you?" insisted Willowe Ravenne Foxlade, swishing her auburn ankle length..

"WE KNOW WHAT HER BLOODY HAIR LOOKS LIKE" shrieked the middle author, directing her comment somewhere towards the sky. "Now, where was I?"

"We're the anti-cliché and Mary-Sue elimination society" said the dark-haired one. "And you're under arrest"

Aragorn, Boromir (who had fully recovered after being nursed back to health by Willowe from his numerous arrow wounds) and Gandalf's long-lost, newly found, rebellious, good looking younger brother with a difficult and tragic past about which he could only talk to Willowe, came running from the woods.

"Wait!" Shouted Gandalf's hot, tortured soul of a younger brother, "You can't justify taking Willowe away, not when you're..." he wrinkled his manly, tortured brow in horror "SELF INSERTS!"

The three authors gasped in horror.

"We ARE self inserts" said the second tallest. "I suppose there's only one thing for it." With a flick of her shimmering brown hair from her deep, mysterious grey eyes she ran over to Legolas and leapt on him, licking his ear.

"HARRIET! Get a grip!" shouted one of her friends, hitting her with her copy of "Return of the King"

"Get rid of them, Aragorn!" shrieked Willowe, stomping her Converse all-stars and pouting, but Aragorn couldn't tear his eyes away from the smallest of the three authors.

"Your disdain... it's so... beautiful.." he murmured, his eyes clouded over with love "will you be my queen of Gondor?" The author raised an eyebrow.

"What about Arwen?"

"The author conveniently left her out so I could flirt with Willowe"

"How could you not love me anymore Aragorn" shrieked Willowe. "You said the burning flames of love consumed you from inside every day you were with me."

"Well.. after one of those nice authors gave me some Rennies I discovered it had only been indigestion, probably caused by that pizza we ordered on your really cool, hot pink Motorola Razr last night, I realise now that that girl over there is the only I truly love."

"Oh.. well... if you like then." shrugged the dark-haired author.

The third, blonde author looked up from where she was hastily undressing Gandalf's hot, tortured younger brother who looked very much like Johnny Depp. "Lauren, you're a self-insert, go with it."

"But shouldn't we, y'know, save middle earth or something?" asked Lauren?

"We will!" squeaked Harriet, biting Legolas's ear, "with the power of love!"

"YAY!" yelled Tash.

And their triple wedding inexplicably brought calm and peace to Middle Earth, Sauron was placated at the sight of Willowe Foxblade's beauty and they all lived happily ever after. Well, until the unnecessary sequel featuring Willowe's rebellious yet beautiful despite her tragic, orphaned upbringing, that is.


End file.
